Yesterday, Dustin (my boyfriend) and I had gotten into a huge fight over an innocent conversation I was having with another guy (NO feelings were involved). We both over reacted, things were thrown, a door got broken, and I ended up making him leave because that’s all my mind could say at the time. I was so fed up with all the petty bullshit that seemed to encompass our life, so I just wanted it gone. Now that things have settled down, I feel pretty shitty. I realized that I really do love him and that I want to spend the rest of my life with this man.

So now I don’t know what to do. I live with my parents and I want things to go back to how they were before we started fighting, but I feel awkward because it’s my parents’ house. I don’t want to be disrespectful, either. The condition of him staying here with us was that he was working to get himself (and me) out of debt. When we had gotten back from vacation about two weeks ago, the manager basically told him they were going their own ways. Thankfully, he had gotten a call from another restaurant that he had applied and they gave him a position. He didn’t tell my parents (I wouldn’t either) and my mom figured it out because she wasn’t washing his work clothes. So, it’s understandable that she’s upset, but I tried to tell her that he has this other one, that he’s not really just sitting around doing nothing, I don’t think she wants to hear it. I feel really intimidated by her because she’s really the head of the household here. I want to talk to her about him coming back, but I have a feeling that she doesn’t like him and that hurts me.

I was okay after it first happened, but by 11 or so last night, I was a complete wreck. Nothing was helping and I ended up going for a ride to talk things out with Dustin. Neither of us really understood at the time where the other person was coming from (who would when you’re that upset?) and we talked things out. It makes it hard, though, when every relationship you’ve had in the past ended horribly regardless of the amount of time you’ve been with your significant other, and that’s what I was competing with in Dustin’s head.

Now I just don’t know how to tell my mom all that. Like I said, I feel intimidated by her. She keeps comparing him to my brother’s father and they’re nothing alike. He was controlling of my mom and if he said jump, she’d ask “How high?” That’s not us. We each have issues with ourselves that unintentionally reflect on the other person. Not to mention, I am still unemployed after graduation and it’s stressing me out. Thankfully, I only owe a little more than $6,500 to the state for my student loans. I feel alienated because I don’t have that human interaction, that I’m going stir crazy in a sense, and I think I was taking that out on Dustin, which I shouldn’t have. Unfortunately, saying “I’m sorry.” won’t make the problem go away. So, this is where I need your help. Is my thinking biased because I love the kid? Or is this really the right thing to do?

With everyone’s crazy schedules, we celebrated Easter today at our house. My grandparents, my uncle, my brother, and his two kids came up to celebrate with us. We had the best egg hunt that we ever had. The contests my mom comes up with… Let me tell ya. I’ll take scratch off tickets any day. Even just to spend time with my family. To laugh so hard you cry, I wouldn’t trade that for the world. So, from my family to yours, Happy Fake Easter Day!

I want to stuff my face into a thousand desserts. Stress has been high and mood has been low lately. Not really sure why I think that eating a bunch of sugar is going to fix it, but I can’t deny my sweet tooth.

So, Dustin got in a fight tonight. Came home with a black eye. Can we ever just have a normal night? I feel pretty shitty ‘cause I wasn’t there, but here’s what happened…

Tonight a group a people we work with were going to Old Tyme Charley’s for Sharon’s birthday. I was supposed to meet them there, but Dustin was closing and I didn’t want to go alone. I came home because I didn’t think he wanted to go and I ended up falling asleep because I myself feel like crap. I guess while they were there, a Spanish guy tried dancing with all the girls and started getting a little aggressive. Dustin, the protector he is, stepped in and he ended up getting sucker punched. His eye is all swollen and starting to turn black and blue. This huge brawl ensued and the whole nine yards…

I feel horrible because I wasn’t there. Not that I’m saying I would have changed the entire situation, but I would have been another pair of eyes because I don’t dance and tonight is not a night for me to drink. I mean, the love of my life could have died. Nowadays you have to be afraid whether or not the guy you’re fighting is “packing.” He could have had a gun, a knife, or Lord knows what. He could have not come home tonight. I honestly feel sick to my stomach and I don’t know how to change it. 

He and I haven’t exactly been on best terms lately. I feel like we’re slipping away from each other when we spend nearly every moment together. There isn’t a connection like there used to be. I get that he recently found out his grandmother passed away and that he hasn’t been himself, but I can’t help but feel that those feelings have somehow seeped in between he and I. I don’t know how to fix it and it’s ruining me. Classes for my last semester started last Monday and haven’t been going exactly how I thought. Nineteen credits is a lot more than what it seems. I don’t sleep during a normal schedule, I don’t eat regularly, and it’s stressing me out. What am I to do when I have a bunch of projects due and can’t focus on them? 

I even feel kinda silly for spilling my guts on Tumblr, but I need to vent. I feel like a loner. This isn’t something that I would wake my mom or any of my friends at 5 am for, but if I don’t get my feelings out, it will ruin me. Sometimes I feel like I can’t even talk to Dustin. If I told him how I feel, he would tell me that I’m being silly, of course he loves me, that everything is fine, and I should stop worrying. If only it were that simple. I can’t stop crying and I don’t even know why. I’ve accepted what happened tonight, but the tears keep flowing. Maybe it’s the hormones during a woman’s “special” week? I have no idea. I don’t know what to do. I definitely think a fresh air will help. Tomorrow Dustin and I have planned to go to The Crossings in Tannersville when I get out of class. The ride down and the time there will maybe be a good time to get things off my chest and at least let him know how I feel. We’ll see what comes of it.